Robert Plant- Led Zeppelin
The cream of the vocal crop right here. Robert Plant has it all, great range, incredible control, uniqueness, and distinction. I know some people that HATE his voice, and I admit that it kinda has to grow on you, but come on folks, learn to love Robert's swizzness. Nothing else really to say except that his voice is awesome.
Key Songs:
Achilles Last Stand
Immigrant Song
The Ocean
Axl Rose- Guns N Roses
Axl might be the biggest jerk in music, but his voice epitomizes rock. Maybe the most unique pipes in all of rock, up there with Geddy Lee. I know a guy who admits to getting a chill when Axl sings Sweet Child o' Mine. I wouldn't go that far, or at least I would never admit to it.
Key Songs:
Sweet Child o' Mine
Paradise City
Welcome to the Jungle
David Gilmour- Pink Floyd
One of the smoothest and beautiful voices. Gilmour has the ability to convey emotion like none other. Interestingly, he also plays some of the smoothest and cleanest guitar you will ever hear. Everything about Gilmour, at least musically, is low-key, doesn't need to scream or play a 10 minute solo to illustrate his skill and passion.
Key Songs:
Wish You Were Here
On the Turning Away
Comfortably Numb
Janis Joplin
Wow. That's the only way to describe Janis' voice the first time you hear it. Her voice is so incredibly unusual (in a good way) and passionate. I don't think I've ever heard anyone put so much of oneself into singing.
Key Songs:
Me and Bobby Mcgee
Piece of my Heart
Cry Baby
Maynard James Keenan- Tool
Ok ok, he's an idiot with an odd obsession with genitalia, most of us know all this, but we also know how incredible his voice is. Maynard's voice is both extremely powerful and passionate, and he pulls off the scream as well as anyone.
Key Songs:
Ticks and Leeches
Intolerance
Aenima
Honorable Mentions: Brian Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Freddie Mercury, Lars Frederikson, Bruce Dickinson, Kurt Cobain, Chris Cornell.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
ten best songs ever
Prick- Tripping Daisy
Perhaps my favorite song. It clocks in at 9+ minutes, and the last three minutes are absolutely jackscoretastic. I read somewhere that Prick is about the dangers of drug abuse, which is sad and ironic, since their guitarist died of a drug overdose in 1999.
Achilles Last Stand- Led Zeppelin
The best song from the best band ever. There are so many Zeppelin songs to choose from, but this one stands out even amongst the greats. This is probably their heaviest song, but that's not saying much because Zeppelin isn't nearly as heavy as a lot of people think. Robert Plant's strong vocals and John Bonham's machine gun-esque, thunderous drumming are the highlights of Achilles Last Stand.
Manic Depression- Jimi Hendrix
It's a toss up between this and Hey Joe, but I give the slight edge to Manic Depression, at least for today. Both are absolute classics. Music, sweet music, I wish I could caress.....one of the best lines in any song. By the time you read this, I might have Hey Joe #1.
Who Are You- The Who
Even though the awful, awful tv show CSI has tried its best to ruin this song by making it the theme song, Who Are You still rocks the hizz-ony pony from sunrise to sunset. It's kind of funny that the producer of the worst line of tv shows (CSI) in history can still appreciate one of the greatest bands of all time.
Ramshackle- Beck
Beck is one of the greatest of all time. He has so many memorable albums and songs, and Ramshackle stands out as his best. It just beats out Jack-Ass and Chemtrails. Beck is one of those artists that you can pretty much listen to anytime, don't have to be in the mood for him. Either way, his music spans so many different styles and genres that he has something for everyone and every mood.
Time- Pink Floyd
Pink Floyd is an interesting band, in the mainstream, they are underrated, but in the underground, they're probably overrated, if that makes sense. They're easily one of the greatest bands out there, and Time is their best song, according to me. Comfortably Numb is fantastic, Dogs is phenomenal, Mother is depressingly great, honestly....Pink Floyd has a ton of great songs, but Time sits comfortably above them all. The intro to Time is two of the greatest minutes in music history, David Gilmour and Nick Mason really shine.
Hallowed Be Thy Name- Iron Maiden
I'm not a big fan of 80's hair metal, in fact, I hate 99% of it, but this song is the exception. This is a song you blast whilst driving and everyone around you attempting to rock out to nickelback or aerosmith will be jealous and ashamed of themselves for listening to vastly inferior tunes. The vocals are the highlight.
The Bends- Radiohead
Title track off Radiohead's best album. "I want to live, breathe, I want to be part of the human race"...one of the great lines in music. This song was written back when the band still used traditional instruments, not the electronic switchboards on their newer, weirder stuff.
Cicatriz ESP- The Mars Volta
The studio version of cicatriz esp is great, but the live version is incredible. This song isn't for everyone, but I'm not everyone, and I think its just swell. There's not really a highlight to this song, everything in it is done so well, vocals, bass, guitar, drums....everything shines.
Layla- Derek and the Dominoes
Two of the greats, Eric Clapton and Duane Allman, teamed up and recorded an album, and Layla is the highlight of the corroboration. Sadly, Duane Allman died shortly thereafter and Eric Clapton became addicted to heroin. That spelled the end of Derek and the Dominos. Fortunately, we still have Layla to enjoy. The guitar is as good as it gets, and towards the end, a surprising piano melody takes over and brings Layla home.
Perhaps my favorite song. It clocks in at 9+ minutes, and the last three minutes are absolutely jackscoretastic. I read somewhere that Prick is about the dangers of drug abuse, which is sad and ironic, since their guitarist died of a drug overdose in 1999.
Achilles Last Stand- Led Zeppelin
The best song from the best band ever. There are so many Zeppelin songs to choose from, but this one stands out even amongst the greats. This is probably their heaviest song, but that's not saying much because Zeppelin isn't nearly as heavy as a lot of people think. Robert Plant's strong vocals and John Bonham's machine gun-esque, thunderous drumming are the highlights of Achilles Last Stand.
Manic Depression- Jimi Hendrix
It's a toss up between this and Hey Joe, but I give the slight edge to Manic Depression, at least for today. Both are absolute classics. Music, sweet music, I wish I could caress.....one of the best lines in any song. By the time you read this, I might have Hey Joe #1.
Who Are You- The Who
Even though the awful, awful tv show CSI has tried its best to ruin this song by making it the theme song, Who Are You still rocks the hizz-ony pony from sunrise to sunset. It's kind of funny that the producer of the worst line of tv shows (CSI) in history can still appreciate one of the greatest bands of all time.
Ramshackle- Beck
Beck is one of the greatest of all time. He has so many memorable albums and songs, and Ramshackle stands out as his best. It just beats out Jack-Ass and Chemtrails. Beck is one of those artists that you can pretty much listen to anytime, don't have to be in the mood for him. Either way, his music spans so many different styles and genres that he has something for everyone and every mood.
Time- Pink Floyd
Pink Floyd is an interesting band, in the mainstream, they are underrated, but in the underground, they're probably overrated, if that makes sense. They're easily one of the greatest bands out there, and Time is their best song, according to me. Comfortably Numb is fantastic, Dogs is phenomenal, Mother is depressingly great, honestly....Pink Floyd has a ton of great songs, but Time sits comfortably above them all. The intro to Time is two of the greatest minutes in music history, David Gilmour and Nick Mason really shine.
Hallowed Be Thy Name- Iron Maiden
I'm not a big fan of 80's hair metal, in fact, I hate 99% of it, but this song is the exception. This is a song you blast whilst driving and everyone around you attempting to rock out to nickelback or aerosmith will be jealous and ashamed of themselves for listening to vastly inferior tunes. The vocals are the highlight.
The Bends- Radiohead
Title track off Radiohead's best album. "I want to live, breathe, I want to be part of the human race"...one of the great lines in music. This song was written back when the band still used traditional instruments, not the electronic switchboards on their newer, weirder stuff.
Cicatriz ESP- The Mars Volta
The studio version of cicatriz esp is great, but the live version is incredible. This song isn't for everyone, but I'm not everyone, and I think its just swell. There's not really a highlight to this song, everything in it is done so well, vocals, bass, guitar, drums....everything shines.
Layla- Derek and the Dominoes
Two of the greats, Eric Clapton and Duane Allman, teamed up and recorded an album, and Layla is the highlight of the corroboration. Sadly, Duane Allman died shortly thereafter and Eric Clapton became addicted to heroin. That spelled the end of Derek and the Dominos. Fortunately, we still have Layla to enjoy. The guitar is as good as it gets, and towards the end, a surprising piano melody takes over and brings Layla home.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
top five things in sports that need to go away forever
Ridiculous over-celebrating in football.
This is one of the most annoying and pathetic displays in sports, period. I'm so tired of seeing a safety come unblocked on a delayed blitz, sack the quarterback, and then leap and prance around like a nancyboy like he just did something awesome. Hey dude, congratulations, you just did what every non-crippled person in the world would do in the same situation; knocked down a defenseless quarterback. Well done.
Another perfect example is the receiver that catches a ball for a 7 yard gain, achieves a first down, and gets up and flaps his arms like a bird, convulses like an epileptic, and points forward with his arm signalling the first down to everyone watching, as if we didn't already know. Congratulations man, you just ran a hook route and caught a pass, something that occurs about 5034403 times a season. Hooray for being mediocre!
Or how about the defensive end or linebacker that tackles a guy for a loss and stomps his foot and kicks dirt around and performs all manner of histrionics, even though the running back tripped and fell amidst a hail of bodies and the DE just happened to be the guy that touched him first? Congratulations, you did nothing but felt the need to be an idiot anyway.
The pie in the face on post game interviews.
For those 6 people out there in the land of the internets that haven't seen this, when a player in major league baseball is being interviewed by the broadcast booth after a game, another player from the interviewee's team sneaks up with a plate of shaving cream and smears it all over the dudes face on live tv. This display pretty much happens on every interview now. It wasn't funny the first time, but maybe, just maybe, it will be funny the 171st time it happens. I'd rather take a cheese grater to the face than see it again. Truth.
Umpires and referees that think they are part of the entertainment.
Some of the ways umpires in baseball make third strike calls is just ridiculous. They literally look like they are trying to punch through concrete walls with their fist pumps. Click for an example
Also, you have to hate the basketball referees who break their own hips when they call a blocking foul.
Umpires and referees who make horrible calls that decide games.
This is the worst of all of them. It seems nowadays that a game can't go five minutes without an awful game-changing call that was blatantly wrong. Let's see here, TEAM A just scored a game winning touchdown on a 76 yard pass, the fans are going crazy!!!! what a finish!!!....wait, wait a second here, there's a flag in the backfield, looks like holding, let's check the replay...yep there it is, 10 yards away from the play and had absolutely no effect on the touchdown and it was a questionable call at that, but Joe Idiot Referee called it anyway. Way to ruin the game, moron. These calls are so pervasive across all sports that it makes me want to never watch anything again, except for fictional television that never fails to entertain, like an episode of Friends.
Coaches that sucked with every other team they coached, but still get jobs anyway.
Ugh. What makes owners and general managers think a coach with a .316 career winning percentage with 4 previous teams will suddenly get a clue and learn how to manage a game? Honestly, why do Norv Turner, Wade Phillips, Jim Riggleman, Larry Brown, Mike Dunleavy, Dick Jauron, Dusty Baker, Marvin Lewis, etc, have jobs? One may never know.
This is one of the most annoying and pathetic displays in sports, period. I'm so tired of seeing a safety come unblocked on a delayed blitz, sack the quarterback, and then leap and prance around like a nancyboy like he just did something awesome. Hey dude, congratulations, you just did what every non-crippled person in the world would do in the same situation; knocked down a defenseless quarterback. Well done.
Another perfect example is the receiver that catches a ball for a 7 yard gain, achieves a first down, and gets up and flaps his arms like a bird, convulses like an epileptic, and points forward with his arm signalling the first down to everyone watching, as if we didn't already know. Congratulations man, you just ran a hook route and caught a pass, something that occurs about 5034403 times a season. Hooray for being mediocre!
Or how about the defensive end or linebacker that tackles a guy for a loss and stomps his foot and kicks dirt around and performs all manner of histrionics, even though the running back tripped and fell amidst a hail of bodies and the DE just happened to be the guy that touched him first? Congratulations, you did nothing but felt the need to be an idiot anyway.
The pie in the face on post game interviews.
For those 6 people out there in the land of the internets that haven't seen this, when a player in major league baseball is being interviewed by the broadcast booth after a game, another player from the interviewee's team sneaks up with a plate of shaving cream and smears it all over the dudes face on live tv. This display pretty much happens on every interview now. It wasn't funny the first time, but maybe, just maybe, it will be funny the 171st time it happens. I'd rather take a cheese grater to the face than see it again. Truth.
Umpires and referees that think they are part of the entertainment.
Some of the ways umpires in baseball make third strike calls is just ridiculous. They literally look like they are trying to punch through concrete walls with their fist pumps. Click for an example
Also, you have to hate the basketball referees who break their own hips when they call a blocking foul.
Umpires and referees who make horrible calls that decide games.
This is the worst of all of them. It seems nowadays that a game can't go five minutes without an awful game-changing call that was blatantly wrong. Let's see here, TEAM A just scored a game winning touchdown on a 76 yard pass, the fans are going crazy!!!! what a finish!!!....wait, wait a second here, there's a flag in the backfield, looks like holding, let's check the replay...yep there it is, 10 yards away from the play and had absolutely no effect on the touchdown and it was a questionable call at that, but Joe Idiot Referee called it anyway. Way to ruin the game, moron. These calls are so pervasive across all sports that it makes me want to never watch anything again, except for fictional television that never fails to entertain, like an episode of Friends.
Coaches that sucked with every other team they coached, but still get jobs anyway.
Ugh. What makes owners and general managers think a coach with a .316 career winning percentage with 4 previous teams will suddenly get a clue and learn how to manage a game? Honestly, why do Norv Turner, Wade Phillips, Jim Riggleman, Larry Brown, Mike Dunleavy, Dick Jauron, Dusty Baker, Marvin Lewis, etc, have jobs? One may never know.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
ten best movies of all time
Fargo:
Dark, disturbing, bloody, depressing, violent....brilliant. Fargo should have one best picture in 1996, but it lost to The English Patient. Every actor in the film was excellent and the writing was also top-notch. What happens is a down on his luck husband hires two criminals to kidnap his wife so his father-in-law will pay a hefty ransom and the husband will be able to pay off some debts. Chaos unfolds over the days after the kidnapping and a lot of innocent people get killed. A guy also gets woodchipped. How is that not awesome?
Warning: Language
Casino:
Some would argue that Goodfellas, Taxi Drive, and Raging Bull are Martin Scorsese's best movies. They would be in error. Casino is about gangsters who run a casino. That premise right there tells you all you need to know. Just go and watch the movie. Robert De Niro gives one of the finest performances of all time. Sharon Stone plays herself in the movie, and this led to an oscar nomination. Joe Pesci is his usual, psychotic self.
Warning: Language
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon:
A depressing tale of two different love stories that end in tragedy. This is flat out a beautifully made film. Excellent choreography, great storyline and plot, highly surreal and stylized fight scenes help make this movie a true classic. Li Mu Bai is one of the top warriors/swordsman in movies. He could give Palpatine a run for his money.
Hero:
Some of the coolest fight scenes in movies are in Hero, especially the first one between the characters Nameless and Sky. I sure wish Americans could make movies like this, but we're more interested in sex and explosions and one liners. We may be better at everything than the rest of the world, but when it comes to style and creativity in movies, we are inferior to the Chinese.
The Star Wars Movies:
Don't really need to say much about these. If you haven't seen them, well......you've missed out on the greatest fiction story ever told. It's a shame George Lucas went mad and decided to create Jar Jar Binks and make the computer animated clone wars, they are beyond awful and I refuse to acknowledge them as canon. At least this scene rules:
Rushmore:
A quirky, unique love story that stars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman. Not everyone will appreciate this movie, but it really is an entertaining tale. If you liked Royal Tenenbaums (both directed by Wes Anderson), Rushmore is much better and funnier. Possibly my favorite movie.
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels:
Guy Ritchie should have left on a high note and retired from directing movies after directing this. Okay, I take that back, Snatch was good too, but he definitely should have retired after that one. Anyways, LSaTSB stars Sting as a bar owner, and that is the only thing not swizztastic about LSaTSB. LSaTSB is hilarious, funny, hysterical, and also quite funny.
Warning:Language
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
I know I'm going to get ripped for having this in my top ten, but I don't care. I love this movie. It's the most unique and creative love story I've ever seen. It highlights the highs and lows of a couple who are ridiculously in love with each other, but have personality traits that infuriate each other. It asks this question; is it all worth it putting up with the awful times in order to experience the good times? Sadly, the answer for most people is probably no.
Last of the Mohicans:
Thankfully, someone was able to read the book and understand it and make it into a sweet movie. I tried reading the book once and couldn't get past the first chapter. Wes Studi gives a great performance as Magua, the main antagonist. LOTM probably has the best soundtrack ever, even better than Leprechaun in the Hood.
Warning: Violence
The Godfather I and II:
I combine these movies into one, since II was a direct continuation of the story from I. What can I really say about these classics? They are probably the two greatest movies ever made. It follows the rise of Vito Corleone from orphan to the greatest mob boss in New York and his son Michael's journey from war hero who despised the family business and initially rejected it, to a paranoid and hated mob boss who had to eliminate all his enemies, no matter what the cost. Fantastic storytelling about revenge, hatred, paranoia, power, greed, love, loyalty, betrayal, and regret, you can't miss these movies.
Dark, disturbing, bloody, depressing, violent....brilliant. Fargo should have one best picture in 1996, but it lost to The English Patient. Every actor in the film was excellent and the writing was also top-notch. What happens is a down on his luck husband hires two criminals to kidnap his wife so his father-in-law will pay a hefty ransom and the husband will be able to pay off some debts. Chaos unfolds over the days after the kidnapping and a lot of innocent people get killed. A guy also gets woodchipped. How is that not awesome?
Warning: Language
Casino:
Some would argue that Goodfellas, Taxi Drive, and Raging Bull are Martin Scorsese's best movies. They would be in error. Casino is about gangsters who run a casino. That premise right there tells you all you need to know. Just go and watch the movie. Robert De Niro gives one of the finest performances of all time. Sharon Stone plays herself in the movie, and this led to an oscar nomination. Joe Pesci is his usual, psychotic self.
Warning: Language
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon:
A depressing tale of two different love stories that end in tragedy. This is flat out a beautifully made film. Excellent choreography, great storyline and plot, highly surreal and stylized fight scenes help make this movie a true classic. Li Mu Bai is one of the top warriors/swordsman in movies. He could give Palpatine a run for his money.
Hero:
Some of the coolest fight scenes in movies are in Hero, especially the first one between the characters Nameless and Sky. I sure wish Americans could make movies like this, but we're more interested in sex and explosions and one liners. We may be better at everything than the rest of the world, but when it comes to style and creativity in movies, we are inferior to the Chinese.
The Star Wars Movies:
Don't really need to say much about these. If you haven't seen them, well......you've missed out on the greatest fiction story ever told. It's a shame George Lucas went mad and decided to create Jar Jar Binks and make the computer animated clone wars, they are beyond awful and I refuse to acknowledge them as canon. At least this scene rules:
Rushmore:
A quirky, unique love story that stars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman. Not everyone will appreciate this movie, but it really is an entertaining tale. If you liked Royal Tenenbaums (both directed by Wes Anderson), Rushmore is much better and funnier. Possibly my favorite movie.
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels:
Guy Ritchie should have left on a high note and retired from directing movies after directing this. Okay, I take that back, Snatch was good too, but he definitely should have retired after that one. Anyways, LSaTSB stars Sting as a bar owner, and that is the only thing not swizztastic about LSaTSB. LSaTSB is hilarious, funny, hysterical, and also quite funny.
Warning:Language
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
I know I'm going to get ripped for having this in my top ten, but I don't care. I love this movie. It's the most unique and creative love story I've ever seen. It highlights the highs and lows of a couple who are ridiculously in love with each other, but have personality traits that infuriate each other. It asks this question; is it all worth it putting up with the awful times in order to experience the good times? Sadly, the answer for most people is probably no.
Last of the Mohicans:
Thankfully, someone was able to read the book and understand it and make it into a sweet movie. I tried reading the book once and couldn't get past the first chapter. Wes Studi gives a great performance as Magua, the main antagonist. LOTM probably has the best soundtrack ever, even better than Leprechaun in the Hood.
Warning: Violence
The Godfather I and II:
I combine these movies into one, since II was a direct continuation of the story from I. What can I really say about these classics? They are probably the two greatest movies ever made. It follows the rise of Vito Corleone from orphan to the greatest mob boss in New York and his son Michael's journey from war hero who despised the family business and initially rejected it, to a paranoid and hated mob boss who had to eliminate all his enemies, no matter what the cost. Fantastic storytelling about revenge, hatred, paranoia, power, greed, love, loyalty, betrayal, and regret, you can't miss these movies.
Friday, May 29, 2009
ten best videogames of all time
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES)
Quite possibly the greatest game ever made. The gameplay is rock-solid, the story line is one of the best, and the enemies, weapons, dungeons are all varied and well done. It's hard to believe that it came out in 1992, but the game still holds up under modern standards. The absolute gold standard for adventure/rpg games. It must be said: LTTP is better than Ocarina of Time. Only real flaw in the game is its short length.
High Point: The Hookshot
Secret of Mana (SNES)
This one isn't quite as popular as other squaresoft games, but it's just as good as any of the final fantasy games. The story is excellent and involving, and the battles aren't the usual turn-based like in most role playing games. The only drawback for this game is the spell casting, which allows for some pretty easy fights a lot of times(you basically can cast a spell so frequently that enemies can't counter attack). Either way, an excellent game that really you draws you in with the well put together story and deep characters. The soundtrack is also incredible.
High Point: Fighting the Dark Lich
Final Fantasy VI (SNES)
The best of all the final fantasy games. Final Fantasy VI is ridiculously deep for a super nintendo game. FFVI also boasts the greatest villian in videogame history, Kefka. Kefka is evil incarnate. His goal is absolute nothingness, the end of existence for the universe. A vast array of characters to develop and an expansive world to explore will keep you busy for 40-50 hours easily. There are no real flaws in FFVI.
High Point: Waking up from a year long coma halfway through the game and finding the world you knew is gone forever.
Chrono Trigger (SNES)
Another fantastic RPG from Squaresoft. This one has its own unique battle system which, while turn based, allows for team attacks that really satisfy. The story in Chrono Trigger might be the best in any RPG. You really start to care about the plight of your heroes trying to fix the timeline and stop Lavos from destroying the world. Chrono Trigger is a bit on the easy side, which is the only negative.
High Point: Schala sacrificing herself to the Mammon Machine.
Shadowman (Dreamcast)
This game is dark, really dark. You are Michael Leroi, dark soul hunter. A demon called Legion has possessed a group of men called The Five and forced them to kill myriads of innocent people. These men cannot be killed by conventional weaponry, but Michael Leroi has a gun that expels energy that rips their souls from their bodies and sends the demons to hell. For an adventure game, Shadowman is loooooong. It could take you about 20-25 hours to beat, and the game is very open-ended, allowing for multiple ways to get to where you are going. It takes a while to get going, but Shadowman is extremely satisfying, extremely dark and twisted, and one of the most underrated games out there.
High Point: Confronting Victor Batrachian.
Half-Life 2 (including all subsequent episodes) (PC)
The best FPS ever made. The story, pacing, voice acting, graphics, level variety, and gameplay are all as good as it gets. The protagonist, Gordon Freeman, is one of the coolest characters in video games. The last 30 minutes of Half-Life 2: Episode 2 is one of the most intense and exciting segments you will find in any game. The only flaw in this game is the overly long driving sections.
High Point: Ravenholm with Father Grigori
Super Metroid (SNES)
This game is awesome. It's that simple. The boss fights are epic and the different regions of the planet you invade are wonderfully varied and fun to explore. All the suit enhancements and powerups will keep you busy for awhile. For it's time, the graphics were some of the best around. The only drawback is length. If you know exactly what to do and where to go, you can beat the game in under 2 hours easily.
High Point: Hyper Beam
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (Playstation)
Of all the subsequent Castlevania games that have come along and copied the same formula, none of them are as good as SOTN. There is so much to see and find in this game it's ridiculous Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is an absolute must play for any gamer. Also, one of the most laughably bad scripts in history. That is the only real knock on SOTN.
High Point: The inverted castle
Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube)
Just when Resident Evil was getting pretty stale, Capcom reinvented and reinvigorated the franchise with Resident Evil 4. RE4 was so much fun I've played through it probably 6-7 times. This was the first game I played that made use of quick time events, and RE4 made excellent use of them. The only weakness of RE4 is the underwhelming last boss.
High Point: Oven Man and the knife fight with Krauser
Bioshock (PC)
One of the most inventive games to come along in ages. Bioshock takes place in the underwater city of Rapture where almost everyone has gone insane from injecting themselves with a substance that grants all sorts of powers and abilities. Your character gains all sorts of powers and finds a variety of weapons to fight off the hordes of crazies. The presentation and setting of Bioshock is incredible; it really is quite a unique game. The main flaw in the game is the difficulty. It can be really easy for a video game veteran.
High Point: The confrontation with Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, a slave obeys.
Quite possibly the greatest game ever made. The gameplay is rock-solid, the story line is one of the best, and the enemies, weapons, dungeons are all varied and well done. It's hard to believe that it came out in 1992, but the game still holds up under modern standards. The absolute gold standard for adventure/rpg games. It must be said: LTTP is better than Ocarina of Time. Only real flaw in the game is its short length.
High Point: The Hookshot
Secret of Mana (SNES)
This one isn't quite as popular as other squaresoft games, but it's just as good as any of the final fantasy games. The story is excellent and involving, and the battles aren't the usual turn-based like in most role playing games. The only drawback for this game is the spell casting, which allows for some pretty easy fights a lot of times(you basically can cast a spell so frequently that enemies can't counter attack). Either way, an excellent game that really you draws you in with the well put together story and deep characters. The soundtrack is also incredible.
High Point: Fighting the Dark Lich
Final Fantasy VI (SNES)
The best of all the final fantasy games. Final Fantasy VI is ridiculously deep for a super nintendo game. FFVI also boasts the greatest villian in videogame history, Kefka. Kefka is evil incarnate. His goal is absolute nothingness, the end of existence for the universe. A vast array of characters to develop and an expansive world to explore will keep you busy for 40-50 hours easily. There are no real flaws in FFVI.
High Point: Waking up from a year long coma halfway through the game and finding the world you knew is gone forever.
Chrono Trigger (SNES)
Another fantastic RPG from Squaresoft. This one has its own unique battle system which, while turn based, allows for team attacks that really satisfy. The story in Chrono Trigger might be the best in any RPG. You really start to care about the plight of your heroes trying to fix the timeline and stop Lavos from destroying the world. Chrono Trigger is a bit on the easy side, which is the only negative.
High Point: Schala sacrificing herself to the Mammon Machine.
Shadowman (Dreamcast)
This game is dark, really dark. You are Michael Leroi, dark soul hunter. A demon called Legion has possessed a group of men called The Five and forced them to kill myriads of innocent people. These men cannot be killed by conventional weaponry, but Michael Leroi has a gun that expels energy that rips their souls from their bodies and sends the demons to hell. For an adventure game, Shadowman is loooooong. It could take you about 20-25 hours to beat, and the game is very open-ended, allowing for multiple ways to get to where you are going. It takes a while to get going, but Shadowman is extremely satisfying, extremely dark and twisted, and one of the most underrated games out there.
High Point: Confronting Victor Batrachian.
Half-Life 2 (including all subsequent episodes) (PC)
The best FPS ever made. The story, pacing, voice acting, graphics, level variety, and gameplay are all as good as it gets. The protagonist, Gordon Freeman, is one of the coolest characters in video games. The last 30 minutes of Half-Life 2: Episode 2 is one of the most intense and exciting segments you will find in any game. The only flaw in this game is the overly long driving sections.
High Point: Ravenholm with Father Grigori
Super Metroid (SNES)
This game is awesome. It's that simple. The boss fights are epic and the different regions of the planet you invade are wonderfully varied and fun to explore. All the suit enhancements and powerups will keep you busy for awhile. For it's time, the graphics were some of the best around. The only drawback is length. If you know exactly what to do and where to go, you can beat the game in under 2 hours easily.
High Point: Hyper Beam
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (Playstation)
Of all the subsequent Castlevania games that have come along and copied the same formula, none of them are as good as SOTN. There is so much to see and find in this game it's ridiculous Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is an absolute must play for any gamer. Also, one of the most laughably bad scripts in history. That is the only real knock on SOTN.
High Point: The inverted castle
Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube)
Just when Resident Evil was getting pretty stale, Capcom reinvented and reinvigorated the franchise with Resident Evil 4. RE4 was so much fun I've played through it probably 6-7 times. This was the first game I played that made use of quick time events, and RE4 made excellent use of them. The only weakness of RE4 is the underwhelming last boss.
High Point: Oven Man and the knife fight with Krauser
Bioshock (PC)
One of the most inventive games to come along in ages. Bioshock takes place in the underwater city of Rapture where almost everyone has gone insane from injecting themselves with a substance that grants all sorts of powers and abilities. Your character gains all sorts of powers and finds a variety of weapons to fight off the hordes of crazies. The presentation and setting of Bioshock is incredible; it really is quite a unique game. The main flaw in the game is the difficulty. It can be really easy for a video game veteran.
High Point: The confrontation with Andrew Ryan: A man chooses, a slave obeys.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
five worst tv shows of all time
Friends:
If I could go back in time and erase this travesty from history, I would do it without hesitation. It doesn't get any worse than this. Three female dingbats and three male ignoramus's thrown together in an orgy of idiocy is the premise of the show, literally.
Let's see here:
Awful writing+Horrible acting+Pathetic plotlines = one of the most beloved shows ever. How is this possible?? I ran this equation through my totally boss TI-5000 calculator and it crashed.
That 70's Show:
The cast of this show is even worse than "Friends". The target demographic for this show is 13-17 year old boys who will grow up to worship two gods; beer and chicks. Fez and Kelso are battling it out for the title of "Worst Character on the Worst TV Show Who Sucks all Enjoyment Out of the World and Tries to Drag Everyone Down into the Gutter of Hopelessness and Despair While Simultaneously Making Future Career Fast Food Workers Laugh Hysterically"
CSI:
Are we somehow supposed to believe that the six smartest people in the world who know everything about everything all joined the same crime scene investigation team in Las Vegas? The only good thing about this show is that it has that one girl from China Beach on it. But she sucks too, at least on this show. The main characters name is "Gil Grissom". That right there should tell you all you need to know about CSI. Gil is so brilliant that he solves every crime in 45 minutes. He can do this because he has read every single scientific and historical book ever written, and even some of the ones that weren't. They say that the human brain can hold multiple terabytes of information. Gil Grissom's brain can hold upwards of 10000000000 yottabytes. At least that's what the show purports.
CSI: Miami:
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than CSI, here comes CSI: Miami. David Caruso is the world's worst actor. He is worse at acting than anyone who has ever lived. Watch and See .
CSI: New York:
Needs no explanation. Its CSI in New York, which means one thing: FAIL.
If I could go back in time and erase this travesty from history, I would do it without hesitation. It doesn't get any worse than this. Three female dingbats and three male ignoramus's thrown together in an orgy of idiocy is the premise of the show, literally.
Let's see here:
Awful writing+Horrible acting+Pathetic plotlines = one of the most beloved shows ever. How is this possible?? I ran this equation through my totally boss TI-5000 calculator and it crashed.
That 70's Show:
The cast of this show is even worse than "Friends". The target demographic for this show is 13-17 year old boys who will grow up to worship two gods; beer and chicks. Fez and Kelso are battling it out for the title of "Worst Character on the Worst TV Show Who Sucks all Enjoyment Out of the World and Tries to Drag Everyone Down into the Gutter of Hopelessness and Despair While Simultaneously Making Future Career Fast Food Workers Laugh Hysterically"
CSI:
Are we somehow supposed to believe that the six smartest people in the world who know everything about everything all joined the same crime scene investigation team in Las Vegas? The only good thing about this show is that it has that one girl from China Beach on it. But she sucks too, at least on this show. The main characters name is "Gil Grissom". That right there should tell you all you need to know about CSI. Gil is so brilliant that he solves every crime in 45 minutes. He can do this because he has read every single scientific and historical book ever written, and even some of the ones that weren't. They say that the human brain can hold multiple terabytes of information. Gil Grissom's brain can hold upwards of 10000000000 yottabytes. At least that's what the show purports.
CSI: Miami:
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than CSI, here comes CSI: Miami. David Caruso is the world's worst actor. He is worse at acting than anyone who has ever lived. Watch and See .
CSI: New York:
Needs no explanation. Its CSI in New York, which means one thing: FAIL.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
ten best albums of all time (no greatest hits)
Rancid: ...and out come the wolves
Tim Armstrong is the best songwriter in punk history. Most punk bands are just pure energy and little talent, but Tim is one of the few who had significant talent behind the energy. ...and out come the wolves is the high water mark of Rancid's career. Of the 19 songs on the album, only a couple tracks are less than stellar. Perhaps my favorite album of all time.
Key Tracks:
Avenues and Alleyways
Journey to the End of the East Bay
Olympia, WA
Radiohead: The Bends
My apologies to Ok Computer fans, but The Bends is better, period. You are entitled to your opinion, you can believe in your heart and mind that Ok Computer>The Bends, but you would still be wrong. Both albums are excellent, but the edge goes to The Bends. That's just the way it is.
Key Tracks:
The Bends
High and Dry
Sulk
Tripping Daisy: Jesus Hits Like the Atom Bomb
This album was unbelievably ambitious. Tripping Daisy went in a totally different direction than their previous work, Elastic Firecracker and Bill. It may take a few listens to grow on you, but you will soon appreciate the scope and magnitude of this amazing album. While the lyrics are especially vague and often downright ridiculous, the music is as good as it gets. Highly recommended for those who want to expand their musical horizons outside the norm.
Key Tracks:
Waited a Light-year
Our Drive to the Sun: Can a Man Mark It?
Human Contact
Modest Mouse: The Lonesome Crowded West
Indie Rock at its finest. This Washington state band has been around a lot longer than people realize. The Loneseme Crowded West is raw and in your face, yet at the same time it will slow it down and tug at your emotions. While Modest Mouse may not be everyone's cup o' tea, it's tough to deny the pure musical genius and passion behind this epic album.
Key Tracks:
Teeth Like God's Shoeshine
Trailer Trash
Trucker's Atlas
Pink Floyd: Animals
With so many excellent Pink Floyd albums to choose from, it may come as a surprise that Animals is my pick as their best work. While I wouldn't argue too strenuously against Wish You Were Here or Dark Side of the Moon, Animals represents a deeper and darker Pink Floyd, which is significantly more appealing. While containing only five tracks, Animals isn't short on musical content. One song is 17 minutes long, and another is 11 minutes long.
Key Tracks:
Dogs
Sheep
Pigs
Neutral Milk Hotel: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
It's amazing what happens when talent is fueled by passion and obsession. Jeff Mangum, the frontman for NMH, is obsessed with Anne Frank, and this album is all about her. The arrangements are unique and inventive, and while the lyrics are vague and may seem absurd to some, they don't take away from the meaning and passion in Mangum's voice. He takes you along on a journey into the depths of his soul, and it is both depressing and oddly uplifting in how he desperately longs for something he can never have. You can read more here
Key Tracks:
King of Carrot Flowers
Two-Headed Boy
Ghost
Beck: Odelay
Beck is one of those musicians or bands, like Weezer, that just about everyone likes. He's had several fantastic albums over his 15+ year career. You could just as easily put Mellow Gold, Guero, Sea Change, or Modern Guilt here, but Odelay reigns supreme in the Beck catalog. Beck Hanson is one of the most unique and creative artists in music and Odelay has all his skills in full force. Ramshackle, the last track, is one of the best songs of all time.
Key Tracks:
Devil's Haircut
Jack-Ass
Ramshackle
Nirvana: In Utero
Most "fans" consider Nevermind to be Nirvana's best work. They are wrong. In Utero is pure angst and anger. Say what you will about Kurt Cobain, you can't deny the passion and anger in his vocals. Put In Utero in your cd player, turn it up, and get ready be pissed and break stuff.
Key Tracks:
Scentless Apprentice
Radio Friendly Unit Shifter
Milk It
The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Are You Experienced?
For being such a huge fan of 60's and 70's rock, you may be surprised that this is the only album from that era on my list. However, most of the stuff I have from then is in boxed set or greatist hits form. So yeah. Anyways, it was tough putting this album above Jimi's other two albums, since they are phenomonal as well. Since this was his debut, it gets the nod. Jimi created sounds and songs on Are You Experienced the likes of which hadn't been heard before. It's a shame he was only around for 4 years.
Key Tracks:
Manic Depression
Hey Joe
Third Stone From the Sun
The Clash: The Clash
The Clash are better than the Ramones. Now that that is out of the way, I can tell you about their self title debut album and how it is probably the 2nd best punk album of all time (second to Rancid's Wolves album). This album is super-raw, and yet awesome. No one in the Clash was an accomplished instrumentalist by an stretch of the imagination, but they knew how to write some dang catchy songs, and in the end thats all that matters, right? Some would argue that London Calling is better, but this is my list. It might be tough for non-punk fans to appreciate, but give it a try anyway.
Key Tracks:
Complete Control
White Man in Hammersmith Palais
I Fought the Law
Tim Armstrong is the best songwriter in punk history. Most punk bands are just pure energy and little talent, but Tim is one of the few who had significant talent behind the energy. ...and out come the wolves is the high water mark of Rancid's career. Of the 19 songs on the album, only a couple tracks are less than stellar. Perhaps my favorite album of all time.
Key Tracks:
Avenues and Alleyways
Journey to the End of the East Bay
Olympia, WA
Radiohead: The Bends
My apologies to Ok Computer fans, but The Bends is better, period. You are entitled to your opinion, you can believe in your heart and mind that Ok Computer>The Bends, but you would still be wrong. Both albums are excellent, but the edge goes to The Bends. That's just the way it is.
Key Tracks:
The Bends
High and Dry
Sulk
Tripping Daisy: Jesus Hits Like the Atom Bomb
This album was unbelievably ambitious. Tripping Daisy went in a totally different direction than their previous work, Elastic Firecracker and Bill. It may take a few listens to grow on you, but you will soon appreciate the scope and magnitude of this amazing album. While the lyrics are especially vague and often downright ridiculous, the music is as good as it gets. Highly recommended for those who want to expand their musical horizons outside the norm.
Key Tracks:
Waited a Light-year
Our Drive to the Sun: Can a Man Mark It?
Human Contact
Modest Mouse: The Lonesome Crowded West
Indie Rock at its finest. This Washington state band has been around a lot longer than people realize. The Loneseme Crowded West is raw and in your face, yet at the same time it will slow it down and tug at your emotions. While Modest Mouse may not be everyone's cup o' tea, it's tough to deny the pure musical genius and passion behind this epic album.
Key Tracks:
Teeth Like God's Shoeshine
Trailer Trash
Trucker's Atlas
Pink Floyd: Animals
With so many excellent Pink Floyd albums to choose from, it may come as a surprise that Animals is my pick as their best work. While I wouldn't argue too strenuously against Wish You Were Here or Dark Side of the Moon, Animals represents a deeper and darker Pink Floyd, which is significantly more appealing. While containing only five tracks, Animals isn't short on musical content. One song is 17 minutes long, and another is 11 minutes long.
Key Tracks:
Dogs
Sheep
Pigs
Neutral Milk Hotel: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
It's amazing what happens when talent is fueled by passion and obsession. Jeff Mangum, the frontman for NMH, is obsessed with Anne Frank, and this album is all about her. The arrangements are unique and inventive, and while the lyrics are vague and may seem absurd to some, they don't take away from the meaning and passion in Mangum's voice. He takes you along on a journey into the depths of his soul, and it is both depressing and oddly uplifting in how he desperately longs for something he can never have. You can read more here
Key Tracks:
King of Carrot Flowers
Two-Headed Boy
Ghost
Beck: Odelay
Beck is one of those musicians or bands, like Weezer, that just about everyone likes. He's had several fantastic albums over his 15+ year career. You could just as easily put Mellow Gold, Guero, Sea Change, or Modern Guilt here, but Odelay reigns supreme in the Beck catalog. Beck Hanson is one of the most unique and creative artists in music and Odelay has all his skills in full force. Ramshackle, the last track, is one of the best songs of all time.
Key Tracks:
Devil's Haircut
Jack-Ass
Ramshackle
Nirvana: In Utero
Most "fans" consider Nevermind to be Nirvana's best work. They are wrong. In Utero is pure angst and anger. Say what you will about Kurt Cobain, you can't deny the passion and anger in his vocals. Put In Utero in your cd player, turn it up, and get ready be pissed and break stuff.
Key Tracks:
Scentless Apprentice
Radio Friendly Unit Shifter
Milk It
The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Are You Experienced?
For being such a huge fan of 60's and 70's rock, you may be surprised that this is the only album from that era on my list. However, most of the stuff I have from then is in boxed set or greatist hits form. So yeah. Anyways, it was tough putting this album above Jimi's other two albums, since they are phenomonal as well. Since this was his debut, it gets the nod. Jimi created sounds and songs on Are You Experienced the likes of which hadn't been heard before. It's a shame he was only around for 4 years.
Key Tracks:
Manic Depression
Hey Joe
Third Stone From the Sun
The Clash: The Clash
The Clash are better than the Ramones. Now that that is out of the way, I can tell you about their self title debut album and how it is probably the 2nd best punk album of all time (second to Rancid's Wolves album). This album is super-raw, and yet awesome. No one in the Clash was an accomplished instrumentalist by an stretch of the imagination, but they knew how to write some dang catchy songs, and in the end thats all that matters, right? Some would argue that London Calling is better, but this is my list. It might be tough for non-punk fans to appreciate, but give it a try anyway.
Key Tracks:
Complete Control
White Man in Hammersmith Palais
I Fought the Law
Friday, April 3, 2009
five worst covers of all time
Limp Bizkit-Behind Blue Eyes:
Anything Fred Durst touches dies shortly thereafter. No joke. I don't know what exactly is behind Fred's blue eyes, but it certainly is not talent. Mr. Durst and Steven Tyler are currently in an epic struggle with each other to become the "WORST FRONTMAN IN HISTORY". Freddie almost sealed the deal with this effort, but Tyler counter-punched with auditory diseases such as "Walk This Way" and "Love in an Elevator" Stay tuned...
Lenny Kravitz-American Woman:
This is what happens when someone is way too full of himself. One of the great songs of all time is redone and butchered by some dude that used to call himself "Romeo Blue". Hey Leonard, do the world a favor and find out how to time travel and go back and talk your mom out of having sex with that janitor in the broom closet and save us from the results of that encounter.
Sheryl Crow-Sweet Child O' Mine:
There are certain bands that you never cover, Guns and Roses is one of them. Axl Rose may be an idiot, but his voice is pure swizz. Sheryl Crow, meanwhile, instead of concentrating on making her own music not suck, ventures onto hallowed ground trying to cover one of the classics. She should have been banished to Dimension X for this travesty. Bebop and Rocksteady would have had a field day with her.
Puff Daddy-Kashmir:
Another band you never, ever even think about covering is Zeppelin. Not to mention it's one of the greatest songs ever written. Alas, that won't stop the leech king himself. Haven't heard from puff lately; probably 'cause no one wants to have him leeching off of them.
Celine Dion-Shook Me All Night Long:
You may regret this
Anything Fred Durst touches dies shortly thereafter. No joke. I don't know what exactly is behind Fred's blue eyes, but it certainly is not talent. Mr. Durst and Steven Tyler are currently in an epic struggle with each other to become the "WORST FRONTMAN IN HISTORY". Freddie almost sealed the deal with this effort, but Tyler counter-punched with auditory diseases such as "Walk This Way" and "Love in an Elevator" Stay tuned...
Lenny Kravitz-American Woman:
This is what happens when someone is way too full of himself. One of the great songs of all time is redone and butchered by some dude that used to call himself "Romeo Blue". Hey Leonard, do the world a favor and find out how to time travel and go back and talk your mom out of having sex with that janitor in the broom closet and save us from the results of that encounter.
Sheryl Crow-Sweet Child O' Mine:
There are certain bands that you never cover, Guns and Roses is one of them. Axl Rose may be an idiot, but his voice is pure swizz. Sheryl Crow, meanwhile, instead of concentrating on making her own music not suck, ventures onto hallowed ground trying to cover one of the classics. She should have been banished to Dimension X for this travesty. Bebop and Rocksteady would have had a field day with her.
Puff Daddy-Kashmir:
Another band you never, ever even think about covering is Zeppelin. Not to mention it's one of the greatest songs ever written. Alas, that won't stop the leech king himself. Haven't heard from puff lately; probably 'cause no one wants to have him leeching off of them.
Celine Dion-Shook Me All Night Long:
You may regret this
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
ten worst bands of all time
Rolling Stones:
The most talented worst band ever. If they had called it quits back in the 1800's, they could have preserved what little dignity they had. Their song "Ruby Tuesday" is surpassed in awfulness only by the restaurant of the same name. When I think of Hell, I imagine being forced to eat Ruby Tuesday for every meal while listening to Ruby Tuesday, the song by rolling stones. Sad thing is is that some people would probably enjoy that. Scary.
Kiss:
Quick, name three songs by KISS. That's right, you can only think of two, "rock and roll all night" and "lick it up". When the only two songs you can think of by a band are two of the worst songs ever written, recorded, released to the public, whatever...then you know that the band behind these songs has earned its spot amongst the worst bands of all time. Gene Simmons is ugly as sin.
Peter Frampton:
We get it dude, you think talk boxes are cool. No one else does. Do I feel like you do? No I don't Mr. Frampton, unless you hate yourself and all the rambling nonsense hurled at the audience.
The Eagles:
When "Hotel California" is the best you can come up with, its time to rethink you career, your outlook on life, your whole existence.
Bush:
Looking back, I'm sure the whole world will agree with me on this one. They actually have a song called "A tendency to start fires". I have a tendency to start fires too, starting with Gavin Rossdale's face. If you want a sampling of their mediocrity, listen to "swallowed" or "the people we love". If you manage to not commit suicide afterwards, cleanse your mind with Mastodon or Nirvana.
Dave Matthews Band:
This is as Douche Fest as it gets. Most of the members of the band are actually quite talented at their respective craft. Too bad they aren't a cover band, or we wouldn't have been forced to listen to the vomit that is spewed by their frontman, Dave Matthews. Isn't that clever? Naming a band after yourself is the epitome of being a tool. Dave Matthews isn't even a tool though, he's a tool warehouse. All by himself. Imagine that.
Aerosmith:
It's not so much the band that sucks, it's Steven Tyler. He once said that Aerosmith was better than Zeppelin. You read that right. Steven Tyler thinks Aerosmith is better than the greatest band of all time, Led Zeppelin. His reasoning was this: He wrote "Dream On" (you know, that one song you think is really cool until you actually hear it) way before Zeppelin released "Stairway to Heaven" (you know, that one song that rocks even after you've heard it 3248439 times). That was his basis for putting his awful band above the greatest band of all time. If you need more convincing that Aerosmith sucks, I have this little nugget for you: "Don't wanna miss a thing". I win.
Nickelback:
If music were evolution, the organism called Nickelback would have been eliminated from the gene pool 30 billion years ago. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than Lenny Kravitz, here comes Nickelback, replete with some of the lamest music and most infantile lyrics ever forced on the general public. This is the band responsible for the worst song ever written. What song is that you ask? Go watch Spiderman and hear it for yourself. God's punishment to Canada.
System of a Down:
System of a down's lineup consists of a wooden spoon with wildebeest sinew attached (guitar), a plastic bucket (drums), a broken foghorn (bass), and a bipolar laughing hyena (vocals). Imagine what all that sounds like in three minute bursts, twelve times in a row, spanned across four albums. It doesn't get much worse than these idiots. The most incoherent drivel ever produced.
Lenny Kravitz:
An absolute embarrassment to music. Actually, an embarrassment to humanity. Carl Gauss (r.i.p. bro) couldn't even begin to quantify lenny's level of non-talent; but rest assured it's probably more than the highest number that Lieutenant Commander Data could count to multiplied by the total grams of cocaine in Robert Downey Jr's system circa 1996. Some of the worst songs ever written come from this talentless hack: "It ain't over till it's over", "Fly Away", "I Believe in You". I'd rather have been a Jew in Poland in 1939 than have to listen to this utter garbage. If anyone ever tries to argue with you that Lenny Kravitz is the swizz, tell them to listen to any of the tracks I've listed. Not only did you just win the argument, but you saved their soul from certain doom. Hey, you know what's funny, Lenny Kravitz thinks he is Jimi Hendrix reborn. Just kidding, that's not funny at all. Avoid at all costs.
The most talented worst band ever. If they had called it quits back in the 1800's, they could have preserved what little dignity they had. Their song "Ruby Tuesday" is surpassed in awfulness only by the restaurant of the same name. When I think of Hell, I imagine being forced to eat Ruby Tuesday for every meal while listening to Ruby Tuesday, the song by rolling stones. Sad thing is is that some people would probably enjoy that. Scary.
Kiss:
Quick, name three songs by KISS. That's right, you can only think of two, "rock and roll all night" and "lick it up". When the only two songs you can think of by a band are two of the worst songs ever written, recorded, released to the public, whatever...then you know that the band behind these songs has earned its spot amongst the worst bands of all time. Gene Simmons is ugly as sin.
Peter Frampton:
We get it dude, you think talk boxes are cool. No one else does. Do I feel like you do? No I don't Mr. Frampton, unless you hate yourself and all the rambling nonsense hurled at the audience.
The Eagles:
When "Hotel California" is the best you can come up with, its time to rethink you career, your outlook on life, your whole existence.
Bush:
Looking back, I'm sure the whole world will agree with me on this one. They actually have a song called "A tendency to start fires". I have a tendency to start fires too, starting with Gavin Rossdale's face. If you want a sampling of their mediocrity, listen to "swallowed" or "the people we love". If you manage to not commit suicide afterwards, cleanse your mind with Mastodon or Nirvana.
Dave Matthews Band:
This is as Douche Fest as it gets. Most of the members of the band are actually quite talented at their respective craft. Too bad they aren't a cover band, or we wouldn't have been forced to listen to the vomit that is spewed by their frontman, Dave Matthews. Isn't that clever? Naming a band after yourself is the epitome of being a tool. Dave Matthews isn't even a tool though, he's a tool warehouse. All by himself. Imagine that.
Aerosmith:
It's not so much the band that sucks, it's Steven Tyler. He once said that Aerosmith was better than Zeppelin. You read that right. Steven Tyler thinks Aerosmith is better than the greatest band of all time, Led Zeppelin. His reasoning was this: He wrote "Dream On" (you know, that one song you think is really cool until you actually hear it) way before Zeppelin released "Stairway to Heaven" (you know, that one song that rocks even after you've heard it 3248439 times). That was his basis for putting his awful band above the greatest band of all time. If you need more convincing that Aerosmith sucks, I have this little nugget for you: "Don't wanna miss a thing". I win.
Nickelback:
If music were evolution, the organism called Nickelback would have been eliminated from the gene pool 30 billion years ago. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than Lenny Kravitz, here comes Nickelback, replete with some of the lamest music and most infantile lyrics ever forced on the general public. This is the band responsible for the worst song ever written. What song is that you ask? Go watch Spiderman and hear it for yourself. God's punishment to Canada.
System of a Down:
System of a down's lineup consists of a wooden spoon with wildebeest sinew attached (guitar), a plastic bucket (drums), a broken foghorn (bass), and a bipolar laughing hyena (vocals). Imagine what all that sounds like in three minute bursts, twelve times in a row, spanned across four albums. It doesn't get much worse than these idiots. The most incoherent drivel ever produced.
Lenny Kravitz:
An absolute embarrassment to music. Actually, an embarrassment to humanity. Carl Gauss (r.i.p. bro) couldn't even begin to quantify lenny's level of non-talent; but rest assured it's probably more than the highest number that Lieutenant Commander Data could count to multiplied by the total grams of cocaine in Robert Downey Jr's system circa 1996. Some of the worst songs ever written come from this talentless hack: "It ain't over till it's over", "Fly Away", "I Believe in You". I'd rather have been a Jew in Poland in 1939 than have to listen to this utter garbage. If anyone ever tries to argue with you that Lenny Kravitz is the swizz, tell them to listen to any of the tracks I've listed. Not only did you just win the argument, but you saved their soul from certain doom. Hey, you know what's funny, Lenny Kravitz thinks he is Jimi Hendrix reborn. Just kidding, that's not funny at all. Avoid at all costs.
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